Christina (trulyinluv) wrote,

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Here I go again on my own... walking down the only road I've ever known.

Wow, am I actually posting an update? I think I am!! haha... SO anyways, I guess I should give the run down from the past few months since it has been that long since I've written.

Well, things with Heath and I were rocky for a while. I just hadn't been feeling like he is the person I was meant to be with. He started drinking heavily on the weekends, and that just added fuel to the fire for me. So back in March, I had starting sharing our problems with what at the time was a mutual friend of ours. I had no idea from the start that this guy had other intentions, and wanted me to leave Heath and be with him. So when I finally decided that he was pushing too hard, the guy flipped and became an obsessive weirdo. He kicked the side mirror off of my car, and started an ongoing fight with Heath.

Fast forward to Mother's Day. I realize that I am 2 weeks late for my period... and guess what? I'm pregnant.. I was devastated. I do not want more children, and can not believe I had been that irresponsible, AGAIN! I did not go in for my Depo shot, in plans to have a copper IUD placed, but missed my appointment. GAH!! Anyways, I had honestly debated having an abortion.. and that is so against my beliefs, I was just desperate I guess. Heath on the other hand was excited, and encouraging... promising the drinking would stop, and things would get better.. etc. etc. His Mom was excited, and told all of his family... I told no one, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. So I went from that to total denial. I didn't want to talk about it, and pretty much just acted like it wasn't true. 2 weeks later while I was at work I felt like a peed my pants, when I looked down I couldn't believe the blood that was running down my legs... so I spent the next 2 days in the hospital, I should have been about 8 weeks pregnant, and was told that the baby had died at 6 weeks. Heath was a wreck, I was numb. Did my baby know that I didn't want him/her? Did I do something wrong? I would have loved that baby the same as my other 3... I just needed to let it sink in! Heath blamed me, in fact he almost left me at the hospital but finally realized that it was not my fault, and there was nothing I could have done. The Doctor explained that most times a miscarriage happens because there is something genetically wrong with baby. I opted to pass the baby at home instead of having a D&C...definitely the wrong choice.

The next week is a blur of me sleeping/crying, and basically shutting down. Having a miscarriage is a lot worse than I ever imagined. I always thought that if it was early on, it was just like having a period. Wrong, it is like giving birth... I was like the biggest weirdo ever, constantly in the bathroom drowning in tears every time I passed clots/tissue. Not to mention 3 days after returning home, Heath accidently runs over our family cat, Sammy. We have had him for over 2 years, and the girls watched it happen. It was the biggest mess I have ever seen and was like the hugest kick in the gut after what had already happened that week. 2 days later we got the girls a kitten, and they are slowly getting over it.

I finally started to feel like myself again around my birthday, but I seriously did not want Heath to be a part of my life anymore. His drinking was worse than ever after I lost the baby, and he just disgusted me. The night of my birthday I went out for drinks with my best friend, to only be called home because Heath had taken a baseball bat to the guy that he had been feuding withs truck. That was just the straw that broke the camels back. I kicked him out, and thought I would never look back. He was dumbfounded that I actually did it. He cried like a newborn baby, begging and pleading to come home but I stood my ground... Until I got a knock on the door from an officer letting me know that I had to let Heath in because it is his residence also. Not to mention that Heath's Mother put her 2 cents in resulting in a huge fight with her and I. She was convinced I was cheating, and Heath was doing nothing wrong. Imagine the shock when I told her that her son gets so drunk he pees himself... I got a half hearted apology from her, but I can't stand her anyways so it was no chip off my shoulder. So anyways, Heath and I ended up talking more than we probably ever have, I told him there would be no more drinking in our home, and he agreed. He also finally admitted to having a problem, and has been attending AA meetings ever since. He is currently 16 days sober, and has done a huge turn around. I realize that it's just the beginning of the road, but it's a start. I am realizing now why I fell in love with him, where 3 weeks ago I had no clue what I ever saw in the man. So we are on a road to recovery, and healing and hopefully it is a smooth one.

Now on to update about the kiddos! Kylee will be 5 next week, how in the heck is that possible? She's currently going to Kindergarten Summer School, and loving it! She goes all day, and rides a big bus. She absolutely loves it! She is probably the most trying of my 3 girls, but we are working on that.. she is just super emotional, and very hyper! Layla on the other hand is the complete opposite. She's 3 1/2 now, super independant (aside from carrying around her blankie still!) She is calm, and very easy going...just a very big tom boy. Nevaeh will be 2 on July 10th. She is the biggest Daddys girl you will ever meet. She's spoiled rotten, but she really is a good baby.

Kylee and Layla have not seen their Dad in over a year (It has been 2 for me). He currently lives in Texas, but will be flying in this week. This will be really strange for me, but I am going to do my best to be nice. I've given up on his paying child support, but I seriously hope he will finally start at least being in their lives.. wishful thinking I know.

Anways, this is what I've been up to. On top of working 40 hours a week now between nights at the library and cleaning a day care 3 times a week. I also babysit the neighbor boy who is 2 years old, 4 days a week from 9:30 am til 2:45. I'm a walking zombie!! I just have to remember one step at a time, one foot in front of the other. Bye kids!
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